me...

I try so hard to make her happy... I feel like I've had to give up a part of me... I'll admit it's a selfish part, but still...

I've found that in an effort to satisfy that part of me, I'm trying to reach out beyond... and even though it hasn't been successful yet, it's still not satisfying at all anyways...

I'm a very sexual person... VERY sexual... If I could I'd have sex every hour... and anywhere. I especially love being out somewhere where we could be found... or in a house that's not either of ours... it's that danger... that awkwardness that drives me... I love all of it... but... if I ever move on something like that... like if I ever have an impulse, you always tell me to just cool off... That's the only reason I end up going after other girls at all... T and M... they're not the best of girls... but... there's something appealing... maybe it's just the chase... I love the chase too, but I feel like I never get that with you... it's gotten to the point where even sexual thoughts in a situation that could be pushed in that direction don't even turn me on... it's really kinda sad...

I dunno... I guess I just wanted to say that...

I am...

the balancing act that falls within three seconds...
the armor that fails as soon as it's hit...
the sword that breaks on the first strike...

I am everything I say I don't want to be... I say that I don't want to think of sex constantly... and yet I do... I say that I want to fight for you... and yet I don't... I say that I want to protect you... and I failed at that too...

I've made you question, I've made you worry, I've made you angry, I've even made you cry...

How could I be what you want? I don't want pity... I just...
I want you to be happy, and I want you to never worry, and I want you to always smile, and I want you...

I am so sorry I've changed from that strange kinda crazy guy in the back of the van into the sit at home and do nothing that I am now...

If I were better than I am... I would set you free... but I can't... I don't want to... and in that... I have failed yet again...

I hope I can change... I hope I can be better for you... I'll try... I just fear that I won't change... That I will fail in that too...

All I can say is that I love you... and I wish, so badly, that I could just... just sit next to you... and smile with you... maybe someday...



I Love You

I'd say something...

but I really can't think of anything right now... to be honest...