Yay for depression...

I dunno, maybe it was the week old, half a pizza that's making me feel all shitty... but I'm yet again slipping into my 'what if?' depression thing again...
At what point is it time to start worrying? Where does enthusiasm become worry?
I ask these because... well... I have a tendency to want to 'catch up' per se, with things that my significant others have done. I guess it's a equality thing for me, because I want to understand their perspective on life, and when they talk about things they've done, that I can't even begin to understand without experiencing, it makes me want to do what they've done.
There's a certain enthusiasm there too, one where I'd be willing to pretty much do anything to play catch up... sadly though, for my previous girlfriends, they all saw this as a 'me too' thing, and always sluffed me off. With A though... there's so much that I don't understand, so much that I WANT to understand... Then there she is telling me she doesn't want to me go there because she doesn't want anything to happen to me...
Let's toss some irony in here shall we?
I'm truthfully, honestly, scared to death of the stuff she's done... I could never bring myself to actually try the things she talks about... and I guess that's where a bit of the depression stems from... because there have been things she's said, that make me wonder if she'd go back to the stuff she used to do... and... I've got two battles in me over this, one is that I know I could never follow her there, out of my own fear, and I don't want to be left alone... the other is that I just don't want her going back there... I don't want to be controlling, but I want to just stand there and tell her she can't go back down that road...
And then...
Then there's things that she let's me in on... like something she told me about a week ago... and the way she talked about it, it sounded to me like she didn't want me to know about it in the first place... and I guess... after she told me she didn't do any of that stuff any more, it just bugged me that she didn't tell me about it in the first place... fuck... I don't even know why the hell I'm writing this... I feel like shit, I've felt like shit, and I probably will continues to feel like shit... I know what probably will help too... I just am not looking forward to it...

There are days that I really hate my life...
and if the world went my way...
things would sure as hell be different...