I hate being lonely...

I sit here, with games to play, movies to watch, pictures to take, and food to eat... but I hate them all and I don't want to do any of it.

I have no one to play games with, and where's the fun in playing against yourself? It can only last for so long, but then you realize when you turn to look over your shoulder, to comment about something funny or stupid you found in the game, that there's no one there to listen, no one to tell, no one to laugh...

I have no one to watch movies with, to sit there with and laugh, or cry, or even turn to during a sweet part of a movie, and kiss. And then there's no one to hold close during a scary part in a movie, or maybe to shudder with when you realize some dark twist in one of the characters, where is the shared emotion that goes hand in hand with movie watching...

I have no one to take pictures with, to run around with, in the dark streets of the town I live in, scaring old folks and cops while we take pictures of neon signs and a park of trees with christmas lights in them. And even so, no one to stand there, to pose for me, to try and jump me while I'm taking pictures of them, no one to complain that they don't look good, while I see every beautiful part of her...

I have no one to eat with, even if it's silent while we eat together, there's still someone there that you can bounce a momentary thought off, but how? When there's no one there, no sound of another person eating, or not eating and pretending to, just to make you happy...


I miss her so much... and I hate all these activities; it's as if they mock me, inviting me to come do them, and then when I start, there's nothing to do, no one there to do it with... I hate them... I'm dead without her... maybe that's too extreme, but I certainly feel that way when I can't talk to her, hear her voice... Yah, we can talk on the phone, and kinda keep eachother company, but there's only so much one can do like that, and you are constantly distracted from the other, since they aren't there to hold your full attention with their smile, their laugh, the sparkle in their eyes, the glow in their cheeks....


Back to reality for a moment, it really doesn't help that the camera I wanted so much, sold out within 45 minutes of the store going online, then to top off that cake, fuckin 'billmelater' doesn't seem to like me very much, so I won't get to go test out new cameras on her, and that's immensely depressing, because I was so looking forward to that. On an upside, I do get to go see her, and come this wednesday, I'll be standing out front of her school, waiting for her lunch.


God I can't wait to see her coming towards me...