Smiling and Crying

There are so many little things about her that I simply cannot predict. She's sweet, funny, caring, and then there's the other part... the part she keeps hidden away from me, and even more so from everyone else. Then she goes and tells me things that I didn't expect her to ever tell me, things that are a part of her, things that anyone else I've dated previously would never have told me.

And then there are things that for me are just so sweet, and almost funny... She's jealous and doesn't want to be, worried that I wouldn't like it if she was jealous. The only thing I could think when she let me know this was 'are you insane? you're the first person that's REALLY been jealous about me.' I've wanted someone who tells me 'I don't like it when you do this with them,' or 'why can't you do that with me instead of he/she/them?' I've wanted it for longer than I can remember... And she worries about me spending time and doing shoots with a girl I've previously had a crush on, which honestly, I can completely understand. I want her to be jealous when I work with that girl, because it's not my love, and it should be my love.

Then she has worries of me just using her for some things... which again, I can completely understand, because I always want to shoot a lot of stuff when I have an assignment, and yah, that would look like I just want to get my assignment out of the way. It's not that though...

You know how you start worrying about how much stuff costs, well, I'm like that, but if I have something that says 'you gotta get all this shit for school, and you gotta do this for school' then most of my worries about how much it costs aren't there, and I just go do stuff, and I shoot, and shoot, and shoot... or at least... I would... but then I run into the issue of the fact that I MYSELF can't be open enough with the girl I normally shoot to show that that's how I work, and I usually end up shooting one roll of film, maybe two. Then when I planned on shooting my love during one of the weekends that I was home from school, I completely forgot/disregarded it because I didn't want a camera lens between us... makes it really difficult to shoot when you want to be as close as possible to a person...

Which brings me to another comparison; I've never felt like that before, I've always been able to sit back with a camera and just take pictures with my previous girlfriends, but I find it so difficult to get more than two feet away from A...

SUBJECT CHANGE!!!!¡¡¡????¿¿¿¿!!!???¡¡¿¿¿
(yah, I'm a dork with a keyboard)

On a completely DIFFERENT topic, there are some things I'm discovering about myself that I never thought would be there, such as... hmm... well, let's see, there's the fact that when I am around her, I actually feel powerful for once, not like some muscle builder-type powerful, but like... mentally powerful, like I can take control of any given situation if I need to, like I'm the one who has control. And that's certainly different from before. I can finally make decisions on my own, I can choose what we're going to do, where we're going to go... the only thing I worry about is that I have to wrestle opinions out of her sometimes...

Let's wrap this up with the fact that I get to go up and see her in like... ten or eleven days. YAY for me, plus we're pullin' strings so that we get to spend most of the weekend together, although we'll be working with a few other people on saturday, which I'm sure is kinda bugging her and she's not telling me (nor will she admit to it), but with how I work... things are going in the direction that I haven't gotten the chance to contact anyone up there for help, so it just MAY be just me and her.

Well, I got class in thirty minutes, so that'll be all for now.