Crying...

Tonight was my last night with A and K for a while... and pretty much the last night of... whatever it was that we had... it's sad really, everything I intended not to do, I've done. I regret only one thing, not telling the truth. I have chosen to never try a relationship between three people again, not that I disliked it, but for the fact that I am human, and while I told myself that I would not have preference between the two of them... I have fault. And I regret not telling them that I had this preference. Why, you would ask? Because... it leaves me with a feeling of guilt that trumps all else. And I could never return to them and face this preference. I could only choose one over the other, and if I did that, then the other would be destroyed. In turn, my guilt would go beyond anything else. It's like having an affair with one person that's already in the three person relationship you have... I'm getting off topic though. In the end, it boils down to a very simple situation: I can have neither of them, or one of them finds their person, and I become solely the other's person. Even then there would be some weird tensions, and that's why, even though I want so badly to keep this...

I would hope that even if they both read this, they could... still be my friends...

God... it makes me feel ill, but I want one last hug, the hug that really says goodbye...

Fuck... it's like liz all over again...