Realization

I made a frightening discovery tonight... crying on my bed, because of something with A... I realized... I don't think she understands why I feel the way I do, I mean, in some obscure way she has an understanding of how I feel... but...

Quite simply, what I realized tonight, is that I have two pieces to my personality. Two, simple, visceral pieces.

One is the side that almost everyone ALWAYS sees, the side that takes a ton of shit, then breaks down, the side that CAN understand exactly how my friends feel, about everything... I don't know why... but I've always found it very simple to put myself in their shoes... I can always see it from their perspective, I just choose to argue my side, because, of course, I see my side as a better solution... That's why I've always hated it when people tell me that I have no idea how they feel... because I do have an idea, and it's pretty accurate, it's just, because it's not my personal issue, I don't have to go break down over it. But that also means, that any advice that I ever give in that respect, should be avoided, or taken with a grain of salt, because it will be just as irrational as the person with the original issue...

The other side... Is the one that... let's give some backstory shall we? I was messing around with a bo-staff once, and smacked my little sister in the head with it. Now of course, the first side of me felt bad, but... in the back... there was a part of me that liked how it felt when the bo hit... and wanted to feel what it'd be like if it hit harder... It's the part that wants to go up to poison point and drive my car off the cliff (jumping out before it went over of course) Just so I could watch it fly, and hear the crunching sound as it hit the jagged rocks below... the part that realized tonight... That if it weren't for the fact that the first part of me is the overshadowing, and overpowering part... I would be one of those people that couldn't care less about killing another person...

This realization scares me... because I know that if something should ever truly scar me, to the point that it fucks up my empathic side... I would either have to seclude myself from others, or commit myself...

I guess it's good that I fear that side... cause it helps me deal with the fact that it's there...

Strange... I can't find any connection between what A and I were talking about... and this... it just... happened after we'd finished talking... I guess it's because some part of me feels like she doesn't understand why I'm freaking out so badly... maybe she does...

God... I'm so horrible at trusting... it's amazing how badly one can be scarred by lying... I can say I trust all I want... is it that I don't trust other women? is it that after Liz... I assume all women lie? Is it further back than that? Why is it that I'm willing to trust someone with all my secrets, before I trust the words out of their mouth?

Why am I so needy? so jealous... Why is it that I want to spend every minute with A, and I don't want anyone else to have even an opportunity? Is it that I want to control her? Is it the trust thing? Is it just that I don't want other people doing things with her when I could, out of pure jealousy?

Why am I the way I am? Why is it that more often than not, I wake up crying, but I can't remember what from? Why is it that people think that I CAN'T have any problems? Why can't I find it in me to even eat as of late? Why is it that the only thing I want to really take pictures of is people that smile, and yet... the only pictures of me that I like, are the ones where I look like I'm going to kill someone... Why are there days where I envy my brother to the point where I wish I could change places with him, just because he seems to get along great without needing another person to be right there with him... Why do I dread going to sleep each night... why do I never want the next day to come... Why is it that even when I'm happy... some part of me is still crying... Why do I look at what I have, want more, AND want to get rid of it all, at the same time... Why does everything fascinate me... and frustrate me to the point of destroying it at the same time...

What the hell am I looking for? What the hell do I want? If there's any kind of divine entity, now would be a great time for an entrance...

At least I have self preservation for me... I still don't want to kill myself... probably never will... I'm a little too narcissistic, and it's hard to admire pictures of one's self when you're dead...

And of course... I do have A... even if she is 300 miles away from me... I have half a mind to drive up there... just so I can kiss her, and drive back... if you wanted to get technical... it'd be a $100 kiss... but I'd pay more than that... I hope she'd do the same...

I'd be lying if I said that I never worried about our age difference... the times are few and far between... but it happens occasionally... it's never more than 'maybe our perspectives are so different because of our ages.' but I guess I have to admit that it does worry me sometimes...

I still don't want tomorrow to come...

At least I'll sleep as me tonight...